I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
