oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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