The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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