I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
