I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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