I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
They have beer where we have blood.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
