Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
