end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
