he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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