His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
