It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize