i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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