i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
