HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
