Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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