We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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