I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
