I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
