I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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