There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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