Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
