Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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