sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
