Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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