he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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