My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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