I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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