i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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