You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
