I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
