If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
