Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Im part way to drunk.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
