This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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