Someone shit on the floor
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
