i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
