she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
