dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
