There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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