i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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