My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
