I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize