one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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