college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
