She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
