finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
