Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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