lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize