I accidentally had phone sex last night
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
