We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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