i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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