I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
