there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
