his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize