does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
