im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
