He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
