Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
