he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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