I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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