3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
