how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
