I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
